Hello world! Welcome back to another blog! Today I will be talking about something which most of us in our lives may encounter... Romance! With it being Valentines Day today, I though now would be the perfect opportunity to talk about it, although this blog is a useful read at any time of the year when you meet that special someone, but want to know how to make it work.
When it comes to the art of romance, it can be tricky to navigate. But for autistic people like myself, it can be an extra challenge. Three of those reasons can include:
Struggling to navigate the social ques of another individual (more specifically, neurotypical)
Not getting jokes (particularly the innuendos most neurotypical people do in order to impress someone)
Masking our bluntness in fear of freaking people out
As I'm posting this, I’ve been single coming up 5 years (although if you’re reading this in the near future it might change), and with my last relationship ending during lockdown, you can imagine all sorts of emotions at that time. I’ll be honest, since then I’ve struggled to make that special romantic connection with someone. Yes whilst I have had people who are interested in getting to know me, 99% of the time, I’ve fallen off the first hurdle after the initial interest. Here are some reasons why I think that personally is:
Change in routine-What I mean by that is I’ve spent so long in my little bubble being comfortable doing my own thing, it’s becoming more of a militant thing. Even though change is inevitable especially within the arts industry, change in my personal life is something I need to work on.
Insecurities-Since the pandemic there’s been many moments in my life where I felt as though I haven’t been good enough for anyone. And whilst I still feel this way to this day, I’ve used these 5 years to help build my self confidence.
Putting people off-For many autistic people, we struggle to work out what people are thinking, therefore we need some clarity. But it’s often mistaken for being needy when it’s not the case at all.
Now I'm no relationship expert (unless you binge on shows like Love Island and Frist Dates), but for anyone out there who like myself is looking for love or are in a relationship but need some advice, here is what I’ve learnt from my romantic journey so far:
Set boundaries-Yes, your partner will have their needs (which I’ll get onto in a moment), but you need to look after yourself as well. Think about what you require off of your partner with clear specific needs of what you like and what you don’t like. So for me, planning dates well in advance, but if there is any change, I need at least a day’s warning
Compromise-Yes it’s important to meet your needs but it’s also important to listen to your partners needs too. I’ve learnt that a relationship needs to be a team (a little bit like in acting where you work with your agent or working with your scene partner on a performance), so as long as you ask what your partner needs from you, you can’t go wrong.
Be yourself-You don’t have to mask your traits for the benefit of a romantic connection. If your partner or the person you fancy tells you to “die down the fidgeting” or tell you that it’s not a big deal when it comes to things like change in routine without warning, they’re not the one for you. If people don’t support you during your worst days, they don’t deserve them during your best days. So make sure that special someone is willing to accept you and the fact that things will be challenging but they know how to work through them.
But I just also want to point out that typical Valentine’s Day dates like going to restaurants or big celebrations might be overwhelming for some autistic people. So here are some potential activities that are fun but not too overwhelming, whether anyone reading this is single or in a relationshi:
Go back to your special interest-Whether it’s watching a film, playing a sport you like or surrounding yourself with anything linking to that special interest, make sure you do whatever you feel comfortable with
Do something meaningful-for myself for example, I used my creativity and my acting skills to spread the love. One of which was a valentines sketch in 2024, and this year I recorded two parts of my favourite scene from Netflix smash hit Bridgerton (where if you’ve seen the show you’ll know that it can get abit steamy at times). Here are the links below for some inspiration if anyone who is a creative wants to express their feelings in their own way
Valentine's Day sketch: https://youtu.be/qOQJLlPjsQM?si=QDlgo0n9k4fpQGYi
"I Burn For You" from Bridgerton Part 1: https://youtu.be/qEr19hRcM4g?si=O85Nkeiaens7PlvS
"I Burn For You" from Bridgerton Part 2: https://youtu.be/jzrSUT83B84
Enjoying your favourite snacks-I’m a sucker for being a foodie, so I gathered my favourite sweet treats and munched on them. Obviously not all at once (as it’ll be very very sick), but definitely to treat myself when I’ve done a task I needed to be so desperately or if I’ve done with with regards to exercise. Here are a few of my favourites below!
And that’s my blog on Valentine’s Day. I hope this has been a useful read and as mentioned before, every autistic individual is different, so make sure you or anyone you know who has autism makes find what’s comfortable for them. But I hope my view of romance in the world has helped at least 1 person. And here is a video of a project called “Wired Differently”, where myself and some amazing autistic people talk about their romance journey, and we also got to hear from a neurodivergent couple who discuss their relationship as well, showing that romance for people with autism is possible!
Wired Differently: https://youtu.be/x-Sl06K_aAw?si=u0Gu49uXbeXMU3Cs
See you soon for another blog. Until next time…
This is The Autistic Actress signing off :)
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