Hello world! Welcome back to another blog. The week commencing 21st -25th August 2023 has been a hard one for so many reasons. Never the less, I managed to find the light at the end of the tunnel and I saw it through. So hears what U got up to during that week, exploring the highs, the lows, how I got through it hoping that if any of you are reading this and are feeling the same, they'll be glad to know that you're not alone.
Monday: Monday was the start of another day for me. After going to work as usual I went home to only have about 45 minutes on the bed. As this afternoon I was going out for lunch with my grandparents where I had a delicious burger.
I wasn’t feeling the best today. As yesterday I came on my female problems and I forgot to get some sanitary pads. My dad insisted that he would get some, but after forgetting on his way back from the betting shop, I fear he may forget later during the day. But I need to trust him, as I know I won’t have time. But thankfully he did. Not the ones I was after but anything was better than nothing at this point.
I then had a call from Dan Churcher from The Newark Advertiser about the project. I explained about the short film I intent to make as per of the documentary to submit for the royal television society 2024 and I asked him if he would want to see my callout and also the deadlines of when each task to make the film would go ahead. He liked the idea, as the more broader I am on why I want to do this and what is required, the more he can have when it comes to writing the article. I then drafted an email with what I’m going to say and also organise when I’m writing and what’s going in the document (which is the callout and the deadline for each task).
I then continued the Act On This Questions podcast. Again some very inspiring answers and whilst I don’t do these sessions due to the length they are, I thought it would be useful to continue, and it gave me some very positive answers. Thanks Act On This! You guys have really helped me.
As soon as I finished the podcast, I did some yin yoga to help me relax. This was definitely a must as well, as this afternoon I was also filming a self-tape to not only post on my socials, but also send it to Casting Directors which I feel the tape shows off different styles of genre. These are Andy Pryor, Daniel Edwards (both of which are big advocates of disabled talent), Louise Kiely (as it shows off natural, realistic acting, seen in programmes like Normal People and Conversations With Friends), Shaheen Baig and Jonny Boutwood (who both like honesty instinctive and truthful acting, and using my autism experience is something which I can incorporate into both).
I then walked my dog and has a nice hot shower before clocking off for the night. At least i thought it was going to be a peaceful night...
I had abit of a disagreement with my dad. As even unfounded he wanted to watch the athletics (fair on him), we were nearly up to date with coronation street. I know it seemed petty, but all I was asking for was 1hr of his time. And also it’s moments like this where I feel he doesn’t understand that keeping up to date with the soaps is important. As when I email the casting team at Coronation Street, Hollyoaks and Doctors I can tell them what I liked about the show.
After watching the last 20 minutes of one Corrie, I then watched episode 4 of Conversations With Friends. Something that the character Nick mentioned is that "sometimes people need to feel needed", which really resonated with me. As even though I'm grateful for my friends, family and my work colleagues (even though it's a job I don't want to do long term), I feel like I need more. And talking from an exploded throat chakra point of view and also being quite direct (another trait in autism), I have moments where I want to feel needed on a (sexual) level. I know some of you may be shocked when I say it, but even though I don't need a relationship to be happy, I do feel that someone by my side who will support me, personally and professionally, calm me down when things get too much and also show me that there's more to life than the industry, is the key to making my life complete. Again not to say that I'm not happy being single (as if you're not happy alone how will you be happy with someone else?) but when you meet the right person, that's when everything changes. But I know that what matters is the hear and now, so eventually when I do meet that musician or anyone who I have a stronger connection with, it'll feel right.
And speaking of sexual desires, I also somehow got turned on towards the end of episode 4 when things between Frances and Nick got heated… I know it may sound vulgar, but sometimes you be honest about what gives you urges and you have nothing to be ashamed of for saying it.
I also managed to finish the questions session on act on this and I was definitely ready for bed after that. But not before I learnt some more Korean. Now it’s getting harder and more time consuming, as one session took over 20 minutes. But it gave me one of my goals to complete and after discovering a technique to master the difficult sentences to translate from Korean to English, I will use this going forward to develop this language.
Tuesday: Tuesday was abit of a struggle to get out of bed, but I did it and started the day with a bang.
As always I went to the gym and listened to part of a Steven Bartlett podcast, continuing the conversation with Will.I.Am. and it did start to get more theory related. But what he said does make sense in a way but I won’t reveal all, as I did promise MR Bartlett himself to keep this to myself.
I didn’t listen to it on the way back as whilst I had my portable charger, it wasn’t fully charged (as my sister was using it to charge her portable charger for her festivals visit from Wednesday for a few days), so instead I looked through my drafts on me emails to make sure that my email to Dan with the callout for the project was accurate, there were no mistakes and was ready to send later (which I did).
As soon as I got back, I then applied for one job on spotlight and started another Act On This podcast, with high performance mindset coach Matt Hall. I’ve always loved having him on act on this, and he’s helped me recognised some of my limiting beliefs which I’ve changed to help me move forward in my career, both on act on this and bullet proof actor. The podcast itself was 2 hours long, so I made the decision to watch half of it today and then if I have time before my acting class tomorrow afternoon listen to the rest then. As this was just to avoid overwhelm and if there’s any other tasks I needed to do I can get them done then.
I then had some lunch whilst I watched the last episode of Coronation Street from last week. I won’t give too much away, but with one episode left to watch from Monday, it’ll be interesting to see if Tyrone’s real mum will change and also if Ryan will be able to make a more positive step in his life and not the path he’s currently on.
After briefly checking my socials, I filmed another self-tape which was inspired by the Women’s World Cup and how if you don’t achieve your goal (no pun intended) you just need to keep going and one day you you will get there. I filmed it with someone from the act on this community and she was a really lovely partner to work with. She loved the story and really praised me for my writing. I know which take I’m going to use, as it’s moments like that where if you know you know. And I may not be a fan of football, but I am all for female empowerment and so this tape that I wrote and filmed in just a couple of days (which is a first for me) is something I’m most proud of.
I then went to watch Twelfth Night at Newark Castle. The show itself was really good and I was surprised by the turnout and how good the actors were. This is one of the very few Shakespeare plays I knew and once you know the story, it makes the show more enjoyable.
The only downside of the show was like with Oliver! in Grantham, there were limited toilets. And we had to let one of the cast members skip the que as we knew she had to take priority. But other than that a show in the outdoors which then turned to under the stars was something I couldn’t complain about. And I should really do it more often. I then finished the day with learning some more Korean whilst enjoying a lovely supper, which featured the last 2 of my Millie’s cookies which I got on Friday.
Wednesday: Wednesday was an eye opening day. As always I went to the gym and listened to more of Steven Bartletts podcast. On the way there I listened to Rita Ora and on the way back I listened to more of Will.I.Am and they were both eye opening for many reasons. I’ve just learnt that Will is in his 40s and I tell you something he looks amazing for his age! The workout itself felt amazing, as I upped the resistance on my workouts I normally do, after hearing on an Act On This podcast (which I need to finish) about how if something is not working change and mix it up. And the fame goes for the gym. I increased the weights and it’s amazing what it can do.
After coming late back and having to take the dog for a walk again, I only got to note jobs I needed to apply for (which I managed to submit only one later on). I then listened to module 5, whilst expanding my call out to some group pages I’m on. Module 5 of Bullet proof actor gave me a chance to get some useful advice on getting the stuff I hate done first not only to avoid overwhelm but to enjoy the rest of my jobs stress free. So in this case it’s gave me the opportunity to ring my taxi for bank holiday Monday as then I don’t need to worry about lifts on Monday morning (as my dad will be at a wedding on the Sunday so I imagine he’ll be very late back).
Because I finished the module late and having to get some extra stuff from Sainsbury’s with my lunch, I didn’t watch a full episode of Heartstopper on Netflix and I only managed to get the clips separated out for my security guard sketch. But then I remembered that anything is better than nothing. So at least I had the motivation to get the clips edited later on in the week. I did think about doing something linking to bank holiday Monday, but maybe something simple and stripped back. Lately I’ve been doing some free writing, and wiring out what’s going on in my mind. So maybe because it’s the anniversary of my mums passing on bank holiday Monday, so a little something to show how much I miss her but how I know she’ll be proud of me. It may not be massive, but sometimes less is definitely more.
I then started to read more of Tom Parker’s biography. I’m nearing the end of the book, and so far it’s been incredible on how he managed to do so much in the limited time he had left. As mentioned before he was a member of the first band I ever went to see on concert when I was 12, so this book means a lot to me. I really do hope that Tom will be looking down on me with pride and that’s inspired me to live my life to the fullest.
I then worked on some more Korean. Whilst I completed all the daily tasks, I had trouble finishing the topic itself. But I reminded myself to take my time, and come back to it later. So I made the decision to finish the rest just before I go to bed.
I then spent some time doing some surveys and checking through my social media. I’ve come to the realisation that it takes me 20-30 minutes just to check all of my social media stories. This gave me some real food for thought, as other than writing my blog (as the aim is to make it like a diary entry) I’m trying to wean off it just before bed. There is a reason behind why we find it difficult to sleep after checking our phones (as it’s to do with the UV light on our screens) but I wouldn’t be able to explain it properly without my notes on my laptop but my point is I need to not be checking my social media before bed.
After a delicious Chinese, I then did my online class.
Normally up until October I go to the in person classes, but because I went to watch Twelfth Night last night, I decided to go online. It was a really fascinating session as we looked at chemistry in characters.
During the development process of the character, I felt as though I was entering into an ultimate dimension. This was a very rare occasion where I literally felt it and therefore immersed into the character. It may not have had much of an impact during the actual dating task (which was brilliant and hilarious) but when someone tells me that it’s happening in the omens that's when it starts to take the full effect. So when it comes to looking at material for the actors jam, I will definitely bare it in mind whilst in the development process.
I then ended the day with watching Celebrity MasterChef and updating my blog from last week (which is now currently up, and go to this link here if you haven’t read it already: https://lucyelizabethmoon.wixsite.com/lucy-moon-aka-the-au/post/my-final-week-off-work-panto-paradiso-and-becoming-a-peaky).
But just before I went to bed, I watched a girl who was on America’s Got Talent called Lavender. Honestly she is such an inspiration. It definitely reminded me of Kodi Lee, as she’s also blind, autistic and a singer. And she got the golden buzzer from Heidi Klum. It’s great to see more autistic talent emerge, and whilst I may not be able to see if she can do the documentary (as she needs to prep for the live shows) I’m hoping to contact her to praise her audition and also see if she’ll answer my questions I send to all the acts I’m thinking about (which I need to get onto ASAP).
Thursday: Thursday as always I went to the gym whilst I listened to abit more of Steven Bartletts podcast. I struggled to get through most of the episode so I took a break and listened to some music.
Once again I felt proud of myself at the gym as even though it was tough after increasing my weights I strangely feel good about myself. Sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone to get stronger, and I feel like I did just that.
I then drafted out my new budget for this month and then made sure I drafted some emails to the Casting Directors I haven't contacted for 3 months or over (as unless I have anything new to say, that's my aim to contact them). Because I’ve got new tapes and I aim to email them every 3 months, I’ve noted a few that I need to get back in contact with. With my new self tapes as well, I have all the more reason to get in touch with them.
I then started my cooking where I made a teriyaki salmon dish. I think this is supposed to be a cold meal, but healthy and substantial, as it contains 2 of my 5 a day with smoked salmon which is a good source of protein.
I then changed my bed and had a chat with someone from the act on this community. She mentioned about her possibly being autistic after noticing traits within herself. I felt very honoured to have been asked the question and fingers crossed with the answers I gave her from my experience, I hope she gets the answers she deserves.
After my Nan came round to change my bed, I then watched some celebrity MasterChef whilst I had my lunch. I had some leftover Chinese with some scrambled egg on toast with crisps. A odd combination I know, but you can’t beat leftover Chinese.
I then went to work. I got abit emotional during some part of it. With it being the anniversary of my mums death so soon, it’s hard to focus on certain tasks. There is that small part of me that wants to stay off work just so I can grieve the anniversary, but that’s something that won’t be able to happen. But somehow I managed to get through it.
I then came home and had my dinner I made earlier.
I ended up having to have a bagel later on as I didn’t eat off of it and I wondered if because of the anniversary my boys can’t stomach a salad. But it was still fairly tasty. After watching the rest of Hollyoaks and Heartstopper, I decided to watch abit of The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. I haven’t seen SpongeBob in ages, as the new episodes don’t appeal to me as much. But sometimes you need a lick me up like that to make you happy.
I soon realised that tonight was not a normal night for me. And that’s okay, as if I strive towards having the perfect night constantly, I know it’ll send me into even more overwhelm. So I made the decision to write down what I feel and post it onto my socials. I won’t give too much away, but I feel it’s a perfect tribute to my mum who sadly passed away from breast cancer 11 years ago.
I then ended the day with more Korean and French. I didn’t complete all of the daily goals, but I gave it 100% into everything I had. And that’s what counts most of all.
Friday: Friday as always I had my longer shift. It was an interesting one. When the picking was done I went onto the shop floor, but then suddenly I didn’t flip when they asked me to do another one. I was surprised but kind you because it was linking to movement I guess it wiped away all the stress. Whilst on my break I looked at the agent form and noted down the answers to the questions so that when I fill it in it’s there on paper. It’s still not perfect but with a matter of time I’ll get there.
It was also one of my colleagues last day as she’s leaving for retirement. I was surprised that I didn’t get upset by it. It’s not because I didn’t hate her but being autistic I do lack empathy at times. I even heard a lovely story from one of my other colleagues about her son being autistic and how after a struggle in getting a proper diagnosis and his time at school he managed to pull through. But when a colleague left back in March, I got so emotional. One of the staff mentioned that it's because I had a crush on him, but part of it was true. He was so sweet and kind, and he made the job bearable. He also made sure he catered to everyone's needs as much as he can, and that was something else that I liked about him. But learning from past mistakes, I can't force him to like me that way if he doesn't feel the same, and quite frankly, I don't care if he does, as even though I don't want to go on a night out with him (don't ask), I cannot hate him
When I came home from work I did some evening yoga as always. During the session it started to get cool and I could feel the wind touch my legs. I didn’t hesitate to run inside, and decided to let myself feel the cold. It’s moments like this where I’m grateful that I’m alive on this earth. As not a lot of people get that opportunity.
I then finished an act on this podcast with high performance mindset coach Matt Hall and then the Q&A of bullet proof actor. It took longer than expected as I started late, but I needed to get it done, otherwise I won’t get it done if I leave it. At the end of the podcast Matt mentioned about an event he’s hosting in Manchester. I’m personally interested in it as I’ve never been to Manchester before and I love the work Matt has done on mindset and in bullet proof actor. So during the weekend I will buy that ticket and then ask for cover from my day job ASAP in order for me to go. And I can’t bloody wait.
After taking the dog out and having a shower, I watched more of Heartstopper. I’ve nearly finished season 1 and so far I’m loving this show.
I honestly think that Nick and Charlie are the cutest things ever and I can’t wait to watch the second season when their relationship develops. This then followed by another episode of Hollyoaks, where I’m really starting to feel for Romeo, as I know Rayne is a bad influence on him, but what she said about her ex boyfriend, I don’t know if she was genuinely hurt or there’s something more to it. I’m always fascinated by stuff like this, as there’s always something that triggers a certain emotion. In this case Rayne mentions that she moved around a lot and maybe the lack of friend she had caused her to feel unloved. So maybe that’s why she’s trying to get Romeo all to herself, to get those around him to realise what she went through as a cry for help. Or maybe because she mentioned she was bullied before, maybe even after it happened years ago, it still affected her to this day therefore triggering memories to lash out at Romeo. Whatever has happened, I hope Rayne can see the error of her ways and that Romeo stand up to her.
During supper, the singer from BGT messaged me to check in on me. I felt so honoured that he would do that for me. And this person in particular has been in a popular show himself. He even shared my recent self tape I wrote myself (which you can see on my YouTube channel here but also on my socials: ).
I then gave him my Snapchat as he’s more active on there. I know that I have feelings towards the musician, but lust can only go so far. As yes I do want to see where things go, but I know I need to explore other connections before I make a final decision (as options is the wrong word when it comes to the art of romance). So I aim to just continue doing me and see what happens from there.
I then did some more Korean and French before I went to sleep and posting my self-tape onto my other social media platforms. This language session was easier as they were both personalised practices. So even though I may had to write one or 2 sentences down, I remembered by recapping notes in my book. Now the big task I need to endure is to write the English spelling so I can recap the language and get the pronunciation correct. When that’ll be I’m not sure, but I’m going to start to plan my week tomorrow, so I’m bound to fit it around that period.
A perfect end to a perfect day. Or so I thought…
Saturday: Quite possibly the worst start of the day. I had a horrid nights sleep. I think I got a total of about 2 hours altogether. The worst part was I was planning to stay for some overtime but after speaking to my dad and hearing how I sound, it’s better if I didn’t stay. As much as I needed the overtime, I knew my health needed to come first. As Matt Hall said on his podcasts, if you look after the basics the basics will look after you. But I only stayed for 15 minutes of overtime. So then at least it’s slightly extra money to the pot.
I then got back home and had a wonderful nap and even though I was still tired, I knew I didn’t have a lot to do today. So all the more reason to feel happy.
I was going to watch the rest of Heartstopper at lunch, but I needed my sisters login details for her account. Normally I don’t need to as it remembers it, but because she’s at an event this week it’s impossible to get her details now, so I watched more of The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. It may not help me excel in my acting career, but something to make me smile is just as beneficial, as I can be the more successful actor in the world but if I don’t have other things to enjoy, I won’t live a fulfilling life when I apply for jobs but hear nothing back.
I then made a start on developing my stories. I’m nearly ready to post “My Big Night Out”, and even though there’s some work to be done, to say I only work on it once a week is something I’m definitely proud with myself. These creative self care Saturdays do help as even on days like today where my brain is turning to mush, I’m doing something to keep the flow going, even if it is changing something up or writing that little bit extra.
I then worked on my Peaky Blinders story but simple changing the names of people. So I replaced my friends real names with different characters to keep that imaginary element to it. And that’s the beauty with writing, which I’ve mentioned before. And that’s that sometimes the best work is writing what you know and then over exaggerate it. I can’t want to see where this story goes.
I then went on to read the rest of Tom Parker’s biography. I won’t lie it got really heavy at the end, as I mentioned before the thought of death does scare me, and now along that Tom is no longer around is quite sad. But I know he’ll always be in our hearts, and if I learnt anything from this book, is that if I can find hope, then the rest is history.
I then planned my week whilst listening to an Act On This broadcast whilst I started to plan my week. Normally I listen to it whilst I’m at work on Saturdays but because I got emotional that day, I finished it early. But it was good to do that whilst I’m planning my week as it made me more focused.
After planning my week, I then learnt some more Korean and French, where for both of them it was personalised practices. I ended up doing it for over an hour. I’m not sure if it was intended without checking, but it did feel good and strangely enjoyed the challenge. I then ended up nearly at the top of the leaderboard, and hope to continue with it moving forward.
After taking the dog for a walk and having a nice hot shower, I then watched some Coronation Street with my dad and we were finally up to date. I now have the gruelling task of noting some day player roles and also scenes from each episode. I also had some delicious bread and butter pudding. I had it earlier than usual, and normally it wold bother me but not this time. After the day I had I knew I needed a pudding to help settle me before bed. Im aware that there are healthier options but I don’t want to cut out enjoyment in my life as if I do cut out sugar completely I’ll just binge on it. I’m hoping it own the too bad as I know a lot of them require to skip some sections.
I also watched the first 5 minutes of Hollyoaks and Celebrity Masterchef before checking my socials before bed time. I’m aware that I shouldn’t have done it, but that was my fault for not scheduling it in during the day. But I did say that not every day will be perfect, so I needed to work with what I’ve got.
Sunday: I woke up this morning feeling still weary but much better. It was safe to say I had a better night sleep (even if I didn’t get a full 7 hours in) and after watching some more celebrity masterchef, I was ready to tackle the day ahead. I felt better during my day job as I mostly did the picking, and it was good for me to move about and get my steps in. It even felt good having delicious food in between as seen below here.
After coming home, I then decided to hunt for a slush puppy, as I was so craving one. I didn’t find one at the welcome break, but I managed to find a smoothie which was just as delicious. I then sat and had lunch whilst I watched abit more of Celebrity Masterchef.
I then began the mammoth task of noting down time coded and gathering clips duologues/self tapes and day player/guest roles from Coronation Street and Hollyoaks. I say I did pretty well, and I amazed to get up to this week, and providing I do all of it by tonight, not only will I have freed up some storage on my tv, but I’ll have gathered every day player/guest role and possible self tapes so far.
After posting my review of the latest Act On This podcasts onto my social media handles (which can be seen on the main menu of my website), I filmed a tribute to my mum, which I will post tomorrow. Tomorrow will mark 11 years since she passed away, and this time it feels more harder than ever. I hope that my tribute will make her proud.
And after hoping to post my Some Like It Notts sketch, I realised that I couldn’t download the video as the clips I’ve used were already deleted before they were edited. This was a real blow for me as I worked really hard on that sketch! But when there’s a problem there’s a solution! As with my dad and sister going back to the schools they work at very soon, I’ll simply look at my script and re record everything. And it’s a good job I have the as well, as I can remember it and with me knowing my lines, it shouldn’t be a problem. I just need to stay calm, relax and if it is the case I need to refilm everything, plan the day and times to film.
I then continued to planned my week. At this point it was a struggle to fit in what to do when, as there is a workshop happening in Nottingham this Saturday. That might sound like an exciting opportunity, but I’m not sure if it’s more of a children’s thing or something which I can do by myself as an adult or something I need to do as a family. If it is more aimed for the younger views, I will do either the tasks I set myself to do on Saturdays or ask a couple of my friends if they want to see heathers on Saturday depending on the ticket sales. I’ll be honest I’m not too bothered if I don’t see it, as I already saw it once and even though there’s someone from Nottingham performing one of the lead roles I’m not to bothered about seeing it again, but I’m just thinking about a nice day out and maybe it wouldn’t hurt after the week I’ve had.
I then did some much needed relaxing yoga. I may have ran over my schedule slightly (due to a budget update and also looking for my non existent iPad charger and having to buy another one which a toy can imagine is stressful as hell), but I did well to recover from it.
After a nice walk with the dog, I then watched the rest of Celebrity Masterchef and Hollyoaks whilst I had a delicious chicken pie from Waitrose.
I then ended the day with watching conversations with friends. I’m really getting obsessed on this series and I’ll watch the rest of episode 6 in the morning before work. I got abit emotional during that episode, partly because of what’s coming up tomorrow but also the adrenaline of if the manager of the flying circus can show me around, meeting the musician who’s already in a bad headspace. But I’ll see how I feel tomorrow, as even though going out is something my mum would’ve wanted, I don’t want to go if I’m not in the right headspace for it.
After learning some more Korean and French (which led me to completing my daily goals but not advancing through to the next stage), the finalist from BGT messaged me back after I sent him a positive message. It’s amazing how someone who’s been on tv and on a massive talent show like BGT has the time to message me back despite him having a busy schedule and also having recovered from Covid. I start to wonder if he does it to all of his fans or if it’s just for me. Either way to network with someone who’s been on a massive show like BGT and is also autistic is something special. And I will treasure it with me forever.
Fingers crossed to a good nights sleep. As my dad is at a wedding so no doubt he’ll be absolutely p****d when he comes home. But that might be different. So as long as I relax, not think about it and not look at the time I should be all good.
What have I learnt this week? When there’s a problem there’s a solution. If you want to solve the problem, you’ll find a way. And if not, you’ll just look for an excuse.
See you soon for another blog. Until next time…
This is the autistic actress signing off :)
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