Hello world, welcome back to another blog. Here is what I got up to the week commencing 7th-13th August:
Monday: As always I kicked off Monday with going to work. For some reason I felt rattled at the start, but after 30mins of putting some music on, it definitely helped my mood and had a reasonable shift.
I then went home to have a lovely sleep on my bed which shortly followed by taking my dog for a walk. My dad was going to do it as he was off work until the end of august, but as he came back from holiday his vertigo was playing up again, so he volunteered me a tribute to take her out.
After lunch I started a new Act On This podcast with director Steve Hughes. I listened to him before a couple of years ago, and he is still a sound guy to this day, and i definitely need to reach out to him more to let him know what I've been up to.
I then practiced my NYT audition, which I'm now finding a rhythm into, and messaged Dan Churcher from the Newark advertiser about doing a callout for autistic creatives. this was now at a crucial point as with the deadline so close, we need the creatives now more than ever.
Shortly after I did some yin yoga to help me calm down and ground myself before sorting out my storage on my iPhone and google drive, and updating my video diaries. I was surprised to find how addictive it was, as there's something about clearing space that fills you with a sense of pride.
I then watched coronation street with my dad, and even though it buffered a few times due to internet problems, we managed to get through a few and are nearly caught up (even though for acting purposes I know what happens).
I then finished the first tv role fast track free training. I'll be honest, I'm still not sure if I will sign up for the free training, and its not that I will put the work in, but with bullet proof actor to complete and the autism project and Christmas work, I don't want to avoid overwhelm. So I made the decision that if I don't sign up to it by the end of this week, I will use the points from the free training to go at it alone. and then if I'm still where I am in a years time, I'll sign up for the full training (where I can get the money back if not more). And listened more to the podcast with Steve Hughes. All I can say is I can't wait to finish it later in the week.
Tuesday: Tuesday was a day where I went back to the actors workshop. But not before I took on some more jobs.
As always to start with I went to the gym, and thankfully it was a nice day, so a lovely walk there and back whilst listening to a steven bartlett podcast (where he talks to a sex therapist, and it was surprisingly interesting) was definitely needed to start the day.
I then went ahead an applied for some jobs on spotlight and looked at some scripts for tonight's class possibly (and if we don't do them then at least I have something for my socials and to also send to Casting Directors) and my national youth theatre stepping up and playing up audition. I also emailed the person who sent the email about a few more things. it may seem like bombardment but I knew if I didn't ask them now, it would make the audition experience less enjoyable. It then gave me some time to sort out my documents for other creatives I need to contact to let them know I exist. This was a crucial time for me as yes the Casting Directors do help with the main cast, but its the directors, particularly for serial drama, who mostly cast the day player roles. Before I had my lunch, I then moved onto Korean and French, moving onto Unit 5 on Duolingo for each of them.
I then watched the final episode of Without Sin, and all I can say... is that I'm gob smacked with the plot twist. I won't say what it is but all I can say is be prepared to be shocked. This then followed by watching the first half of episode 2 of Celebrity MasterChef whilst I did some colouring in.
Later on in the evening I went to my acting class. We didn't do much, as I know the majority of the class were tired after they took part in a feature film for the past 2 weeks. But it felt so good to be back, and it's safe to say I missed everyone so much. turns out we weren't doing any self tapes from the film. I was gutted in some ways but in other ways I wasn't as I knew that my friends needed to rest after a hectic time. On the way back I did some final prep for my NYT audition, but plan to listen to it one more time before bed.
After I came back to end a wonderful day I watched the start of episode 3 of Ridley, and me and Margo had a cute cuddle whilst we were watching it. and it's moments like this why they call a dog mans best friend.
Wednesday: Today was audition day for NYT stepping up and playing up. Before then I walked my dog and did a home workout to help set me up for the day.
During the audition it was a warm friendly environment. We did everything from a movement warmup, ensemble work and improvisation and it was surprisingly energising. I loved every second of that.
Soon after it was my 1-2-1. I may have been abit late but they didn’t mind. All that matters was the audition.
I performed my piece from the creative therapeutic wellness retreat and it went down a storm. It was fantastic that they said I was able to share my vulnerability, and whilst they said they need to check about my eligibility (as I mentioned about me working part time) they definitely seemed to like me a lot. Even if I don’t get into the next round, the fact that I did it and they liked me was important and who knows? If I’m of successful this time I may see them again in something else.
I then watched Celebrity MasterChef whilst I had some lunch, and filmed the last two pieces of my Love Island sketch. Now all I need to do is edit it and post it but sooner rather than later whilst Love Island has only just finished. I haven’t posted a sketch in a while so to get it out to show my craft is so important.
I then listened to the rest of the act on this podcast with Steve Hughes and also recapped bullet proof actor module 3, filling in my workbook in the process.
I had one goal which was to get my short film for the autism documentary. I knew I needed a team sooner rather than later, especially with the deadline so soon. So one of my jobs tomorrow (as I feel he’ll be relaxing and switching off) is to contact my colleagues about getting a group of autistic improvisers he mentioned and asked about if they can be a part of it. I knew I need more time before I move onto the next module. But I think I know what goals I’m wanting to set (as this module talks about setting 2-3 goals and going full throttle on them) and I’m going to work hard to achieve them.
I then chilled with some Korean and French, but I managed to lost all my lives. But never the less I knew i can do it. I just need to take a break and come back to it later.
Soon afterwards I went though past episodes of Hollyoaks and Coronation Street to see any potential self tape scenes and ray player roles, and I managed to get a few scenes in the process. Although all I can say is even though I didn’t gather a scene from this one (as the tape in particular is not fitted to my type) I’m really looking forward to seeing how the story unfolds.
I then ended the day with Coronation Street, where it was getting good and nearly 3 episodes from being up to date, the last of Celebrity MasterChef from last week, and an episode of Hollyoaks and learning some more Korean and French. Well needed after a long day.
Thursday: As always I started the day with going to the gym. I didn’t sleep great and ended up getting to sleep in the early hours of this morning. But afterwards I felt so much better. Although I was a little bit frustrated with my dad again, as I was responsible for also taking my dog for a walk, thinking he did it already. But he would make it up to me by taking her out later in the evening. After noting some bullet proof actor points, and booking the peaky blinders escape room, my Nan came round to help me cook. I took my temper out on my Nan a little bit due to a lack of sleep, but I apologised immediately, as she didn’t sleep great either. Never the less we managed to pull off a delicious Mac and cheese.
Afterwards Steve Watson contacted me about the project, mentioning how stressed I was. But he reassured me he would help me out by making a call out template for me to edit and post online in the hope of gathering creatives who are neuro divergent to make something special.
I then watched the rest of the third episode of Ridley, where I just say, that even though Adrian Dunbar is in his 60s, he’s still knows how to get that girls head turning. And as always I had some lunch whilst watching the first part of Hollyoaks all before I got ready for work.
It was a decent shift at work, accept the fact that I secretly cried during it due to not feeling my usual self. I knew something wasn’t right, but I carried on and after some food I felt better. I even thought that the security guard fancied me, as he gave me a nice look and even winked at me at one point. Again going into an open mind I’m not sure if it’s a flirtatious thing or something just to put a smile on me face, but it was a nice thing for someone to do.
When I came back I had my delicious Mac and cheese as seen in this picture below whilst I watched the rest of Hollyoaks.
But my feeling of something not sitting right proved to be true, as when I rung my dad, the state he sounded said it all. So I was the one who once again had to take my dog for a walk even though he said he would do it. But I thought with the state he was in I decided to do it, as I had a feeling my sister would say no and/or wait until dad came back. And I was as tired already, but I knew I wouldn’t settle until it was done. And it frustrated me as he had to take me to work the next day, and I don’t want him to still have alcohol in his system when he does.
I know I’m probably going to get some grief again if he reads this but to be honest I don’t care. With the previous health problems he’s had, most recently a vertigo flare up, he should’ve known not to drink so much. But I decided not to bother mentioning it to him as he won’t even remember what I told him. And it’s moments like this where I get that home is where the heart is, but it’s too overbearing for me from an autistic point of view. His aggressive tone when he’s had one too many makes me feel overwhelmed, to the point where I’m not over stimulated in the senses, but I knew that it wasn’t the picture I had in my head. And it’s moments like this where I feel like he’s in one world and I’m in another, and that’s a world I hate. At this point even working at Waitrose is an escape for me, and I don’t even want to work there for the rest of my life (no offence to my colleagues). I just wish someone would just be there for me in moments like this, as no autistic human should have to put up with the overwhelm of a drunk parent.
And just to clarify: my dad is NOT an alcoholic, he just makes stupid decisions (I mean we all do, including me, but at least I have the balls to say it).
Friday: Before I went to work, me and my dad patched things up after the night before. But this morning I didn't feel great, and with one of my colleagues saying I was due on a checkout, I knew I couldn't do it. So I went to the quiet room, relaxed, and spoke to the person in charge today about it and he was cool with it.
I did feel better once I got going, as I saw a guide dog in the shop, and it instantly put a smile on my face. It amazes me how these dogs help people, and we really shouldn't take them for granted. I remember getting a Blue Peter badge for drawing a poster of their guide dog at the time Iggy dressed as a superhero, as they are real life hero's to those who need it most.
I also got a surprised when the security guard who may fancy me asked for my number. I wasn't sure what to think, as I'm still wanting to get to know the musician, but the security guard will be leaving soon, so maybe he wanted to keep in contact in the near future. I can't imagine how lonely it must be, making sure everyone is safe and well. But I knew my heart was set on the musician, and it has been for a while.
I then came back home and did my usual relaxing yoga outside, drafting some emails to a production company to send on Monday, and it was then followed by filling in some surveys. I'm also planning on emailing the company about getting rid of the out of date surveys on my profile, as they know how to get rid of it.
I then took my dog for a walk and had a nice relaxing shower when I came back. I normally don’t wash my hair on Fridays, but because I was going out the next day, I thought to wash it so I don’t get distracted if it gets too greasy. I then had my second portion of my Mac and Cheese I made whilst watching more of Ridley and Hollyoaks. And I have a feeling I’ll have a more relaxing evening.
Saturday: Saturday once again I woke up 2 hour before my alarm. I don’t know why I do it, but maybe it’s part of me.
But I persevered and went to work. I was definitely in a better mood. Mainly because it was an early morning shift, and even though it does make me tired, I get everything done and out of the way.
After work I then had a wonder into town, as they had live music and a big sand pit for the children. Whilst I was there I bumped into one of the managers at The Flying Circus (a local pub in Newark), and we got talking all things creative. She talked about the troubles they were having after the neighbours complained about the noise (even though they moved not too long ago and it still baffles me). But she also said I’m more than welcome to come and listen to some live music and see where everything is. This really gave me a smile on my face, as I’m hoping that this venue would be an option with the idea for my short film. What it is will be revealed soon.
I then hoped on the train to Grantham to watch the matinee performance of Oliver! performed by MJH productions. But not before I had a strawberry lemonade at Costa as seen below.
I then went to see the show. And it was fantastic! Everyone was brilliant, the songs were catchy and it was nice to see some old faces from college. I even got speaking to my old college lecturer, and it was good to have a little catch up.
I then had some time to kill, so I got speaking to some old friends. It was nice to see them again, as even though college wasn’t my best experience, these people that were in it had my back when times got tough. And that is all you need.
I then headed back home to a lovely chicken steak dinner, watching Coronation Street with my dad, followed by the first half of Ruby Speaking, Hollyoaks and Celebrity MasterChef. A brilliant end to a perfect but exhausting day.
Sunday: Sunday was the first day of my final week off my day job of the year. And boy did I need it!
Even though I woke up 2 hours before my alarm, I decided to do some colouring in before relaxing until 10am, where I finally got out of bed and watched more Celebrity MasterChef at breakfast.
I then painted my nails (which was definitely needed) and started module 4 of bullet proof actor.
This module involved looking at breaking through the blocks in order to get more time back and take more control of how I earn my money, especially when I'm not acting (which are the two most important things that set actors back).
During this a text from the security guard there me off, as I set my day to do this with no distractions.
I don’t want to reply (mainly to avoid exhaustion from socialising at work and yesterday) but I feel I had to reply, to fit societies expectations.
And it’s not that I didn’t want to reply, but what people need to understand is that if I don’t reply straight away it’s not because I’m rude, but I’m just exhausted from socialising in other areas and that I may not be in the right headspace to socialise or even text. And because it happened during my task, that threw me off as well (as I get overwhelmed by unexpected things when I’m hyper focused on a task). I knew my heart was set on getting to know the musician (who I’m hoping to see perform at the navigation and tell him how I feel) so I had to tell him we can still be friends, but he said if I make the time. And I agree you should put effort into something like a friendship and relationship, but they need to understand the psychological effects of an autistic person, and how it may take longer to communicate. When I went into work on Friday I just avoided everyone apart from the customers, as the night before really took its toll and I didn’t have the energy to socialise. I feel he's yet to understand, as it continued during the day, and part of it was that my heart is sill firmly set on the musician, as despite the 10 year age gap, all I can think about is him. But I need to take one step at a time, and trust that everything will work out.
After lunch and watching the rest of the penultimate episode of Ruby Speaking, I continued with Bullet Proof Actor and completed module 4. But like with module 3, there's a high chance I will listen to it again before I do the tasks in the workbook. I then set out some applications for some Spotlight jobs and tidied my room. This wasn't originally planned, but even just emptying my draws of papers does make a big difference.
I then looked at a Q&A for module 4 and it definitely gave me some clarification before recapping the main module and planning my week. I didn't plan full out, as I planned to schedule a meeting with someone to discuss the autism project with me being unsure in certain dates. Furthermore, with me going to the Peaky Blinders escape room on Friday with some of my acting friends, we haven't made the decision on if I'm staying over or coming back late. But I made a start on planning, and that was the most important thing.
I then filmed a Self-tape with my friend from The Actors Workshop Nottingham, as a day player role based off of real life experience. I even found out she's hoping to get a job where its flexible around acting, and it's safe to say I want to join that job, as my dads friend works at a garage so if I get a job where I simply ask if everything is all good, then count me in.
After recording me singing a cover in order to re record and post onto my acting page next week, I then took my dog for a walk and did some yoga. I then moved onto watching the last episode of Hollyoaks for that week and also started to watch Conversations With Friends. I may have watched one episode so far and it's only 30 minutes long, but I'm literally already invested in it. And already I can relate to the character of Frances, as I've noticed she can be socially awkward and reserved, and with me when I'm around new people, so am I.
I then ended the day and my first day off work with Celebrity MasterChef and as always learning some more Korean and French.
What have I learnt in all of this? Follow your gut, as it's basically the second brain, and if you follow your gut, regardless of the outcome, you're on the right path.
See you soon for another blog. Until next time...
This is the Autistic Actress signing off :)
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